2nd month

I'm SO tired. Funny thing is, I can't sleep. Josh and I stay up late talking, then kids wake me up between 6:30 and 7. If I'm lucky I get a bit more sleep after that, but not good, restful sleep.  Let alone getting up twice in the night to release the flood created so quickly in my bladder.  It's crazy.  I try to nap every day, but stress makes those minutes of sleep short and frustrating.  IF I do start a good nap, it's awakened by a crazy thought of being late to pick up the boys from school.  WHY CAN'T EVERYONE LEAVE ME ALONE TO SLEEP!

I finally got nauseated too.  One day Kaden and I shared a bowl of expired chicken noodle soup.  I figured it'd be fine.  Well, when I was standing over the toilet telling Kaden to leave the bathroom cause he didn't want to watch his mommy throw up, I had to wonder.  In the end, I didn't; I have a stomach of steel.  I have had my share of blah since then.  I eat a lot, and/or often during the day, so I don't have much of a problem until night. We eat dinner, during which I gorge myself (not good), so I don't feel hungry again until just before I want to go to bed.  I eat a little something, but it doesn't hold me over until I fall asleep after 10:30 or 11, so I feel gross.

I got really sick just yesterday because I went two hours without eating and had been painting the whole time.  I'm a pansy.  But hey, if that means no sickness, I'll eat.
Now that I'm actually hungry and HAVE to eat...I do it a little too well.  I say every day I'll work on it, but I end up eating cake, making banana bread, cooking up cinnamon rolls that have been in our fridge for 6 months, AND have a few bites of ice cream in one day...yeah, my thighs are NOT size 6 anymore and I'm NOT happy with my lack of self control.
Dang, food tastes good.

The signs

I have high hopes of this being my last pregnancy (pleasepleasepleaseplease), so I thought it'd be fun to actually keep a record of what it's like for me...you know, for kids.

I can usually tell right about the day something implants.  People may think I'm crazy, but it's true.  A day or two after that and I get hungry every two hours. Some may do that normally, but I haven't actually felt real hunger in a LONG time, so when all of the sudden I really need to eat, something is up.
With my first, Parker, I remember craving something salty, which I didn't usually eat, so right away I knew it was a boy.  This time no cravings yet.  I am assuming that is due to my healthy life-style and eating habits, but we'll see.  Fruits sounds good, but they always do.
I was shopping with a friend right around when implantation should have happened.  We stopped and ate a very nice sized lunch (veggies and chicken), and not more than three hours later I wanted to eat...really bad.  So yeah, I kinda figured.

Along with the hunger, comes urinating often.  Some could say it's because I'm eating more...but it's just not so. Nor was it because I was drinking more.  I drank the same amount, and a lot more than that was coming out, more often.  This is really obnoxious because I wake up in the night too.  Although lately I'm too tired to get up, so I toss and turn for hours because I can't wake up enough to get out of bed!!  Super obnoxious.  I have tried to drink more...but winter doesn't help me with water consumption.

Then comes fatigue.  That's not right away, but pretty quick.  I'm TIRED.  I am coming off of the energy of my life...I could go the whole day!  I feel like I hit a brick wall when I wake up.  My legs are tired, my body is tired. Already I can't wait to have my energy back!!

Possibly before fatigue comes MOODINESS.  Holy crap am I grumpy!  That's pretty much the clue-in for me.  PMS is bad for me, but usually I can handle other people.  Not when I'm pregnant.  I'd like to give everyone a piece of my mind. Sadly, my family gets it.  It's really hard.  It will last 9 months...heaven help us all.

Another one is heart burn.  Luckily it hasn't been bad yet, but at night I have had it, and I notice it more when I can't fall asleep right away.

If it was just the heart burn and moodiness I'd figure it was just PMS, but the addition of the other things is sure-fire that we've conceived.

I'll admit I'm worried about miscarriage this time (not like that's new), but I guess it's more likely after birth control of any kind.  I hope that last 'almost' pregnancy will be the miscarriage.  I kinda figure since we are playing God on this one and really only 'went for it' so quick because of the hopeful birth date of 11/11/11, our chances are high that God will show us who's boss.  I also kinda wonder because I'm not sick at all.  It seems like my stomach feels yucky fairly quickly usually, but maybe that's different because I'm healthier...we'll just have to wait.

That's the first month.  And boy am I grumpy today.  I did work out. I did take a nap.  I did vacuum. I did tell at least one, possibly two children I loved them...and the day isn't over yet, so it's not a complete loss.

About the Unedited post

I am happy to report that shortly after Christmas I saw a Naturopath doctor who suggested I try taking a natural protein that is often lacking in people who suffer from depression. 

She confirmed for me that anger IS a form of depression and can be helped the same way.

I started taking this protein (5htp) and it has been my own little miracle.  Sometimes I hate that pills are the solution, but it doesn't have to be permanent...just the start, and the boost to get me where I want to go.

I have felt the sunshine again, and it has been glorious!  Some days I feel angry about an incident, by I don't hate my kids!  That is serious success.  I have hugged and loved and read stories and rough-housed and sang and smiled more.  It feels great.  My littlest two are little taken back when I show them kicks in the kitchen while I'm cooking, or break into song...they'll get used to it.

Some days are not great...but it is just days, not weeks.

There is still a lot of work to do, I am not naive to that fact, but it feels so much better to have a handle on it, and hope, and light. 

Mostly I'm glad there was something to help me that is NOT a regular pill with side effects and dangers to my body...this is just what my body needs and doesn't produce itself.  I love natural medicine and am SOOOO thankful I found it at this point in my life!!!  The Lord sure loves us a lot, and shows us in every possible way.

The Most Unedited thing I've ever done.

I also wrote this a while back, and wasn't sure if I should post it.  I don't think many people will read it, so here it is for my own history, and to remember.....


There is one moment in my history with Josh, prior to us being married, that seems to epitomize our one constant marital struggle so often. It was the one moment I needed something I couldn't verbalize the most...remains to be so.

I had just come from a situation involving another person (details aren't necessary) that had left me feeling unlovable, probably worthless, incapable, overall a person to be avoided.  Josh and I had only sort of started a relationship. We both liked each other, but had not declared anything.

I went to his house, hoping to be rescued from the hurt and stupidity I was feeling; hoping my worthless feelings would be proven wrong and a sense of love and acceptance to take the place of the wretchedness in my heart.
I nervously knocked on the door (I'd hardly been to his house, and didn't know his family yet). He was sleeping, but was awakened for me.  He came to the door and probably stepped out to talk to me.  I stumbled over some kind of words indicating that he probably shouldn't date me, but then we hadn't really been officially dating, but that I was not good for him, and that maybe, I don't know...we shouldn't see each other.  I pushed him away, was the bottom line.
I did the very opposite of what I needed.
I succeeded.
Yet I knew somehow he was the only person who could make it better.

But in confusion and sadness, I left his house...unsure what I had said; he said very little.  I went to my car, as I remember I had parked it across the street.  I sat.  I waited.  I hoped with all my little girl dramatic heart that he would watch and see that I had not left and that whatever nonsense I had said meant I needed something and that he might be my proverbial knight and rescue me.

I sat.
Alone.
I knew I would be alone.
I drove away, likely crying.

It's funny how things don't change.  It's funny how I still sit alone in my car (the very same car is in the garage now...many more miles and tears are on it).  Sometimes the 'car' is the couch, sometimes in the bed right next to my knight.

Loneliness is more unbearable when you are not alone.
And drama only gets worse when you're old enough to know better, and still so vulnerable in your heart that you don't know how to stop it.

That confusion, still so real and unmistakable, will not let go of me.
It deals now in failures as a mother, as a wife, as a housekeeper, as a neighbor, as a good Samaritan, as a friend, a sister, an organizer, a doer, a self-motivator, a planner, a teacher....the list of failures could go on.

I am trapped in a need for rescue.
I have finally, just barely this year, concluded and completely realized I am the one and the only one, who can do the rescuing.  I am the one who must face myself and kill the beast that keeps me trapped in my tower...preventing the real princess Me to come out and take on the world the way I want.  Josh, though Knightly as any man may be, does not possess the power.

I need to be rescued from myself.
Strange.
I've spent my life waiting for someone to save me. But tis I who must do the saving.

I've done it before with pills.  I hate them.  But they help.
This, dear reader, is the unedited version of my life.
Sometimes I wonder what people think of me.  If I lead on that I have things together and my kids are so great because behind closed doors I am so amazing.  If their intelligence and goodness somehow tells people that I have done something amazing.  I sure have not.  Some days, many days, half probably, there is only negativity that comes from their mother.  They cringe in fear if I come near them.  They hold their ears before the beast unleashes.  They cry...because of me.  There is nothing amazing about that.
There. is. shame.

You don't feel amazing when your son is worried you will kill yourself, or he tells you he thinks you'll get a divorce.  You don't feel you've succeeded at all, in fact.  It's pure fuel to the failure-fire your mental state has created.

Nonetheless, there are occasional glimpses of success during a rare family home evening.  Glory be to Josh. Josh is diligent to do scriptures and prayers every night.
So perhaps he IS the knight I NEED...the one to pick up the pieces I let fall apart so often.  The one who tenderly tucks the boys in and hugs them...he rescues them from the beast that traps ME from doing it.  He feeds them, dresses them, loves them, plays with them, teaches them, comes to them when they need it.

Still, silly me is sitting in the car, hoping that he knew I was at his door step stumbling over words that meant, "help me...save me...rescue me...tell me these feelings, though so real, are not true...please.    please."
But he doesn't. He didn't.  He won't.

I have to do it.  I will.  But when you're trapped by your own beast, sometimes it's hardest to see the way to kill it.  And once you do, what excuse have you?  What will be the blame if I fail then?
I promise I don't procrastinate solutions on assumption that I am co-dependant with my beast.  Quite the contrary.
I long for those times of joy, sunshine, and LIFE!
I've had them.  I love them.  I am sinfully jealous of those I perceive to enjoy them daily.

Especially now.  At Christmas.  When all around are joyful and happy.  I have hid myself from life and joy this year, which is resulting in my own sadness and loneliness alone.  Christmas is happening quite despite me. Almost in spite of me.
Luckily so.
Those little boys nestled all snug in their beds are as thrilled and anticipatory as if they had a normal mother to excite them for it.

Next year.  Next year will be different and wonderful.  I'll do it.
Not because I have to.

I want to.

2010 Reflections

I started writing this at the end of 2010, but obviously thought I'd have time to add more...hahaha!  Here's a bit of what I learned last year!



It's easier to live on a student loan budget than a six figure income and have to budget it.  I know you will all think I'm lavish...but when you're forking out $3,000 a month to pay down $160,000 in student loans in only 5 years, plus have a house payment, and private insurance that costs $500 per month for nothin'...there is very little left to live on...I promise.  And it's hard.  I think it's more difficult because I know how I COULD be living.

My 7th-8th year of marriage has been the hardest so far.

My 30th-31st year of life has been the hardest so far.

4 boys...hard.

I still miss my Daddy, but I'm glad he has still helped me so much with my house and such.  He's a great dad still full of advice. Luckily.

I LIKE BEING SKINNY.  I don't care who thinks more about that than they should.  I LOVE to have a waistline, quite honestly it's my favorite part of my body right now.  I love to put my hands on my hips, cause they fit.  I love to put on my size 6 jeans and a loose MEDIUM shirt.  It's nice.  I can move, and I don't feel tired, I can fit in small places.  My son's jacket, except for having short sleeves, fits me.  AMEN. I don't mind being my ideal body weight...it's NOT overrated!  Although I will complain about the boobs...those are an embarrassment to womanhood, I don't care what my husband thinks!

I don't mind me a green smoothie.  Even in the winter.

Coconut oil is God's gift to those of us who use it!!

I wanted to change something HUGE...my diet....it was SOOO hard and frustrating and I really wanted to quit, but I didn't and it made a difference.  And now it'll make a difference for my whole family for the rest of our lives.  Ahhhhhh.

I really enjoy having a magazine-worthy bedroom.  And I realized it's okay to have elegance in your own home, especially if you are not going into debt or starving your children to have it.  Yes, I love sleeping in my bed, pulling my puffy, warm comforter over me and hunkering down in all the memory-foamness my bed has...I love it.  I also love that my husband is my built-in heater-blanket for the FREEZING winter months.

I have a really hard time enjoying kids I have to take care of all the time...but I want to...so that makes all the difference.

I love me a big kitchen.  Come over for dinner....we have ROOM!

I didn't know it'd be so hard to 'leave home'.  I mean, we did it for school, but that was NOT permanent...this is much more so.  I don't like it.  I'm not sure if the small town issue is more the problem or not...yet to be determined.

I HATE SHOPPING ALL DAY!!!!!  And I hate it more when that is my ONLY option.  Hate it. Hate it.

I miss friends.  I wish I could buy up all the empty houses on my street and pay friends to move here.

Christmas Festivities

I think photos are infinitely more fun than a detailed description of what we did. 
Here they are:

We made the all-important Ginger Bread House. It was hard to stay focused on making instead of eating.  Spencer didn't focus...he begged until I finally had to put him down for a nap, on a sugar high.

Okay, okay, I had some fun too...but not at my kid's expense...they did all they wanted--I hope.

Shortly after, the house suffered what all do...being eaten in less time than it took to make it!!!

Turns out I didn't take pictures like I thought I did.  So in brief, other highlights of our week:
Parker made a scripture scroll with scriptures he found himself relating to the birth of Jesus or prophecies about it....amazing kid.
Tyson and I made snowmen with a toilet paper tube, cotton balls and other kitchen items (like beans and pretzels).
Tyson made a little manger thing where we were supposed to do good things to get enough hay for baby Jesus.  (Easier to make it than do good things...apparently.)
Josh helped the boys make sugar cookies on Christmas Eve.  They loved it.  And we all love eating them!!  No frosting needed.

Now, then, here's Christmas Morning!!!
The BEST gift, in my humble opinion, was that Parker and Tyson were very centered on it being Jesus' birth we were celebrating.  Parker insisted we have a prayer first thing that morning, and said it himself, so we could all remember the best gift of Christmas, and our lives.  I had a very special experience the night before that truly made Christmas what it ought to be...and I was MOST thankful for a house full of little boys (and big) who are healthy, happy, full of love and energy, and who are mine...that was my favorite gift this year.

Excited little boys that waited clear 'til 7:30 to start the craze.

Parker was SOOO thrilled to get a transformer costume that he wore it ALL day...seriously.

Spencer HAD to have his morning banana, mixed with a few presents.

Ahhh, yeah. There he is...the 80's cop.

Costume man, and fave present.

Two little guys and their new car tower! (Spencer was about to cough.)

Tyson started working on a lego set right away. Spencer is standing there waiting to help and showing off his new slippers.  Costume man also shown here.

Parker convinced him and Kaden to have a Transformer war (there's Kade as Prime in the background).

In the mean time, I made hash browns and eggs with Portabella mushrooms and amazing sausage, and Josh made waffles...mmmm I love me a Christmas breakfast (thanks for the memories Dad).

It's all about the waffles and Dad sharing his Christmas Nutella gift.

A shovel would help.

His BIG TWUCK!!!

My favorite present this year...I got it to encourage slave labor. Clearly I am wise.

Parker's new personal ATM bank.  His money is safe inside waiting for our post-Christmas clearance shopping!!  All the boys got banks.  They may have a hard time spending though...they like the saving part!

Josh's favorite gift...now he can groom all those hard-to-reach spots. (Like ears and nose...keep it clean.)

 

I love this because it is the moment of Christmas I enjoy the most...bliss of children playing wildly with their new treasures.

Post-opening mess and fun...see the video!

We have a foreign exchange student, Fransisco, from Mexico.  His mom sent these vests to the boys...adorable!!!

Sunday smiles!!

Josh got a haircut for Christmas!! And Spencer is CUTE.

Spencer making Papa Smile

I have some stomach issues. Last week I was depressed about it, so all I ate was smoothies and popcorn. Apparently so did Spencer and Kaden.  Watch the video. 
I PROMISE we DID feed Spencer more.  The handfuls shoved into the mouth are likely just an experiment with texture and ability...not hunger.
(Papa is in heaven, in case a reader doesn't know...but I know he was smiling from there, cause popcorn was his favorite thing too.)