How $10, a phone call, and a loaf a bread changed my life.

THIS IS MORE LIKE A JOURNAL ENTRY THAN A BLOG POST, WHICH MEANS THERE IS NO NEED TO FEEL LIKE IT'S INTERESTING ENOUGH TO READ THE WHOLE DANG THING. I'M WORDY. IT'S A FACT. BUT THIS ONE'S FOR ME.

Friday I reluctantly got my two small boys dressed and bundled to go out. It was the last day of a hard week on my favorite roller coaster of hormone-induced depression and stress. I figured going out would help me a little.
We went to visit Josh at work, then over to Walmart (which is the ONLY store in town, and which I also HATE). There were a few little Christmas things I wanted to pick up/look for, and a couple grocery things that couldn't really wait for a big trip to the city.
There were a few little Christmas things I wanted to pick up/look for, and a couple grocery things that couldn't really wait for a big trip to the city.

While we were there I ran into a woman from church whom I wouldn't say I know well, but we've visited and she has been extremely generous and a huge blessing to us as she has given us her boys' clothing as they've grown out of things.  We were visiting about that, and another woman that I had shared the clothing with as well. In discussing the difficulty of accepting other peoples' offerings, I mentioned to this friend how much we appreciated it and were willing to accept her love and help with the clothing because of how tight we are living in order to get Josh's student loans paid within 5 years, rather than the more common 30 years.  I told her that my little boys had just begged for bouncy balls when we were in the toy section, but that I couldn't bring myself to get them because it just wasn't in the budget this month.

What I didn't describe to this friend was that my week had been very difficult. I had felt overwhelmed because we finally have an income, and a very good one at that, but we are living on almost the same amount we did while in school because of this heavy loan repayment.  I had been upset that we don't have money in our budget for me to get a haircut; we took $100 out of our grocery budget in order to move money around and start saving for a new vehicle for when one of ours dies, or we outgrow them, whichever comes first; we're paying over $1,000 per month for medical insurance and bills accumulated because of the lousy expensive insurance we have...and I'm simply stressed about it this week. And it's Christmas time, and although I want my kids to have a wonderful Christmas, and with what we have already I think they are spoiled relative to our idea of spoiled....but what about other people??  How do I justify buying gifts for other 'needy' families when every penny of our money is allotted to something else? How do I spend extra for others when Josh and I aren't buying anything for each other this year? In my hormonal state of depression and stress I had cried the night before wondering how I was supposed to live a charitable and giving life, when I feel maxed out in every way so often.

I didn't expound any of this, but cordially left her looking over Christmas music. We completed our shopping and as I finished checking out I saw her again.  She motioned for me to come over to her before I left the store. She slipped me a 10 dollar bill and said she wanted me to get the boys a little something while I was there. I insisted that I wouldn't take it and they were fine. But I can tell she's as stubborn as me and save for making a HUGE scene in Walmart, I would have to take it, and deal with it.

However, I felt so guilty for whining about our finances to her because deep down I feel so taken care of and blessed that I never really consider myself as one who needs loving service in that way from other people. I can't bring myself to buy little toys for my children, it's true, but I always have enough food to share, a warm house, too many clothes to wash, and so much  more.  But that $10 in my hand was so powerful to me. I thought of another couple I know, who happened to be in the store too, who has a very difficult situation they are living in right now, whom we let use our clunky car for a few days...what could they do with an extra $10?
I wondered if I should give this money to someone else...pay it forward. Or should I use it, and do what she told me to do with it.
And then I started to think, what would I do with an extra $10? Those balls my boys wanted were only $1, which means I could get all four of my boys a new ball, and something. Or we could use the money to do something fun as a family...we VERY rarely spend money for fun. $10. It's not much money, honestly. It's pennies compared to the $3,000 we pour into student loans every month (but we HAVE that much money to pay off that much every month). It doesn't buy a lot of anything, but it can easily give a little to someone.

If you really think about it, $10 can be the means of making or doing something very meaningful...more than enough.

As I drove home tears filled my eyes as I contemplated the sweetness of this friend, and how her little gesture for my children changed my whole attitude and opened my view to how little we need in order for it to make a big difference to people. It also helped me review how much I do have, and that if ever we didn't have, there would be this woman, and other generous people to help us.
Thank you, dear friend, thank you. You gave me SO much more than $10. So much.
And although I don't know what I'll do with that money (I couldn't spend it in the store), I do know that I'll take an extra $10 or less this Christmas, and probably every month, and do something special for a few people I think could use it.

Usually I don't have more than one inspiring experience in one day, but apparently the Lord is trying to teach me something because after we came home, had lunch and I got kids down for naps, I got on the computer for a minute and had a friend instant message me that she wanted to talk. We go back to Optometry school.  Her husband is in his last year. She is pregnant with their 5th baby. We hadn't spoken for over a year, although had kept up through internet. It seemed unusual to me that she wanted to talk, and that I happened to be totally available to do so.
During our conversation she shared with me an amazing experience she had in her decision-making process about having another baby. It was something that I believe I needed to hear; that perhaps the Lord has been trying to teach me the same thing, but I haven't been listening.  I needed to be uplifted by her faith. I came away from that conversation very amazed...with a lot to think about.

But it was off to the bus stop to pick up the kids and back home to get them fed....only Tyson was so grumpy! I was ready to throw him in his room, but instead I listened to my mommy instinct for once and asked him if he needed to eat, sleep or be alone with me for a minute (which is practically impossible). He said he needed to talk to be alone about something...unusual.
I took him into my room (while the babies sat outside the door crying), and let me tell me about accidentally pushing a girl down (it was an accident, he said, because he didn't mean for her to fall, and she had been mean to him and other kids on the bus and he was just trying to get away from her). Turns out her dad was right there and come over to him and told him in 'a really scary, mean voice' that if he ever did that again he'd be in trouble.  That poor little guy!  He was mortified and truly scared he'd be in trouble, when the fault, albeit slightly his, was not entirely.  He was so afraid I'd be mad and he'd really be in big trouble with  me.  It is incredibly fulfilling to tell your kids how much you love them, that you will always protect them, that they are good kids, and that sometimes they may do bad things, but they can always tell you about them.  What a great experience with my little guy.  I'm SO glad I didn't throw him in his room when he needed me so much.

I must mention that my week was not only stressful because of money, but kids, house work, lack of friends and family who live here, and all the other things that become too hard to handle one week of the month. I had also read Pres. Monson's address to the Relief Society this year about charity, and felt so far from the charitable person I ought to be, and so incapable of helping others when my own life feels so overwhelming all the time.
So by dinner time this same day, despite the wonderful experiences I had had, I felt overwhelmed again and my sick baby had finally whined enough while I was cleaning the kitchen that I didn't want to make him whine while I was making dinner.  I gumped to the couch to hold him, and while I was trying to get the chaos rounded up to discuss dinner options (which had previously been a big deal, even causing tears), the door bell rang.

In came a friend with a loaf of beautiful bread. She said she had been thinking about me all day and had made excuses as to why it wasn't a good time to come over when finally she had decided she just had to come over.  I hugged her and cried. Even without bread, I so needed a visit, just for the sake of a visit.  I needed to know that someone close by was prompted to know that I was in need. And more than that, I am so thankful she listened. We visited for a minute and she left...knowing she really had made a difference.  And I closed the door knowing I DO have friends here who can help make some of the dreary days more bright. More than that, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and showed me in so many ways late (more than listed here for sure).

Indeed this season and this life is not so much about how much we get or what we can provide under the tree or all year for our kids, but how much spirit of love and charity is in our hearts and the intention we have in all we do. How blessed I am that three people did what they thought they should.  My life is forever better because of them.