Growing up I was 'taught' that when I was 'in one of my moods' I was supposed to be alone and 'deal with it'. When I was 'over it' I could come back to normal life with people again.
That's crap.
It's at the times when we're the most lonely, despondent, afraid, overwhelmed, unsure, disappointed, sad, etc. that we need people most.
We (I) need a hand to reach out and not let go, even if we're (I'm) pulling away really hard, and possibly even trying to slap with the free hand.
Unfortunately my upbringing (and I'm not blaming here, I'm just learning) has caused me to push people away when I need them most. Then I don't know what to do because I know I need them, but I'm not 'supposed' to. When you've done something you don't like, and you know YOU are to blame, anger tends to be the emotion that wraps up all the others, encircles them, and cuts 'em off.
Yes, today...tonight...I'm angry. I'm angry that I don't know how to say, "I need you."
But it's not anger, it's frustration.
I'm angry I don't know how to admit I was wrong.
But it's not anger, it's shame.
I'm angry I can't just give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling and not cover it up with anger. But it's not anger, it's denial.
I'm angry that I don't know if my brain came with a complete set. So I never know if it's 'just me' and I need to learn, or if it's an 'imbalance' and I need 'happy pills'.
But it's not anger, it's confusion.
Let's top this cake off with four little boys (well, almost 4) who need their mother to teach them how to deal with emotion; how to feel it, accept it, confront it, share it, work through it, and move on appropriately. Now I'm not angry, I'm scared and inadequate--but I show them anger...great teacher so far.
I am still a firm believer that anger is a secondary emotion. It's a vice tightly clamped to all the other emotions we are afraid of, or 'not supposed to have.' It seems initial because we have trained ourselves to feel it and avoid the other, appropriate feelings. But this little vice has a lock and chain, so it's quite a task to unlock the emotions it has taken over and deal with those FIRST.
Anger isn't good, for anything.
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It's always so much easier to be angry and blame, rather than open ourselves up to others--risking hurt or rejection. It's a hard road to learn. BUT if the person you need the most understands you--and you have a little chat when you're NOT in a "mood"--then even if you feel awkward or weird about how to go about dealing your emotions, the other person will be understanding... because at least now you're working on it.
ReplyDeleteJenn, when I was reading this, I felt like I was reading about me and my current situation. wow....your first paragraph was almost word for word of a conversation I recently had. Love you! Thanks for writing!
ReplyDeletehey this is Marie from our Wymount days! It's good to see you.
ReplyDeleteAh girl. Our childhood. It is ok to need help getting past what has been shoved down your throat for years. All parents make mistakes, even ours. They were wrong and you are suffering. It is sooooooooo hard to ask for a hand to hold and sooooooo easy to yell. Therapy and pills help. Try both!!! I love you!!!!!!
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